I’m sitting in my bed and I can’t shake this incredible feeling of nausea in the pit of my stomach. I’m not sick physically, but I can’t say the same for the other aspects of my life. It truly is amazing to me how much my emotions can affect the rest of me.
I definitely didn’t expect to be here a year ago. Honestly, I didn’t expect to be here a month ago. It’s crazy how fast things change, how things you felt so sure of can collapse right under you and leave you devastated, confused, and completely aimless. That’s exactly where I am right now. I feel a powerful emptiness inside me, and it’s crippling. As I get older, various disappointments in my life seem to cary more weight, and I experience pain at higher degrees each year it seems. I can’t say that my life’s not blessed, because it is. But I can’t say I’m happy, either. In fact, I’ve never been further from happy. I don’t understand it, but the paradox of my life right now seems to be that I live a blessed life many would die for, but I feel miserable. I know things don’t work out and that all things work for our good. I know sometimes we need moments of pain to bring us closer to Christ and to remind us that we aren’t in control. But over the last year I have simply been overwhelmed by just how many low points I have had to face, how many disappointments have slammed into me and stolen my breath. And every time I stabilize, another wave crashes over me and I lose my footing.
Coming home for the holidays means answering a lot of questions — “Hey, how have you been?! How’s college? Have you made a bunch of friends? Are you and that guy still together?” I wish I could answer all of these questions with a genuine smile. Instead, I push through it and wait for the chance to escape and get away from everyone I just lied to. The truth is, I’m doing terribly. I hate where I am. I feel alone all the time, and the relationships I poured myself into didn’t work out for reasons even I don’t understand. I have no vision for where I want my life to go. The things I hope for feel so out of reach. And I’m really not sure how much longer I can go on feeling this way. I feel crushed, heavy, broken. And I feel so messed up for feeling this way, because I know I could have it worse.
Everything inside me is screaming. And I could say a lot of wise words right now to reassure everyone that I’m doing okay and that I’ll pull out of it soon, but those words would be misleading.
“Above all, in our grief and in our pain we must also believe we are not forgotten. We must send away the lies that keep our hearts hardened. God has not forgotten us in our pain, and He has not left us to deal with it alone in dark bedrooms. We are told that God is close to the brokenhearted. He is close to the struggles of our lives; especially in our most tender of times.
God has not run off to save the rest of the world, leaving you hanging on your last thread. In grief and in all things we must cling to the one who clings to us. We must begin to believe that He loves us as much as the Gospel proclaims, even when we feel beyond repair.”
Streams in the Desert devotional: Sep. 12
“Child of My love, lean hard,
And let Me feel the pressure of your care;
I know your burden, child. I shaped it;
Balanced it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion
In its weight to your unaided strength,
For even as I laid it on, I said,
‘I will be near, and while she leans on Me,
This burden will be Mine, not hers;
So I will keep my child within the circling arms
Of Mine Own love.’ Here lay it down, nor fear
To impose it on a shoulder that upholds
The government of worlds. Yet closer come:
You are not close enough. I would embrace your care;
So I might feel My child reclining on My breast.
You love Me, I know. So then do not doubt;
But loving Me, lean hard.”
“City of Blinding Lights” - U2
If someone MADE me choose a favorite U2 song, then I might say that this is it. But I would resent being made to choose.
Today was my last day of high school. I was surrounded by sentiments and sentimental people, and it was exciting, but I have to admit my mind was absolutely not present today because my thoughts were somewhere else entirely. As students cried, teachers spoke, and people said goodbye, my mind was completely preoccupied with other thoughts. Today I have been in a sort of constant conversation with God about something I have never really spent a lot of time thinking about until today. And although the timing was weird, I appreciate Him keeping me distracted because my spirit feels very full as I write this.
Most people who know me understand that I love making plans. I am very rarely without a sense of direction, and as a heavily future-oriented person, I am not one to live in the moment. I am very intentional and very in tune with knowing what I want. And if I want something, I have a specific plan for how I see myself attaining it. This is the way I am wired. I do not expect things to just happen to me. I often figure that if something is going to happen, it’s up to me to make it happen. I am a doer.
People who know this about me also probably know that I am incredibly confident in my plans. If I wasn’t confident about them, they wouldn’t be my plans. It’s not that my plans are flawless; it’s just that I am very confident in them. I feel very strongly about the things I intend to do and the things I trust to be good. When I have a plan and when I am executing a plan, I am happy. When I don’t have a plan, I feel insecure and unstable. When I don’t have a plan I feel out of control, and I despise feeling out of control, because I seem to believe that if I’m not in control, things will not turn out the way I want them to.
That being said, I can now begin to describe the things God was pounding into me today.
Today I felt like God was asking me to let go of my need for control. I felt like he was telling me to stop trusting my plans more than I trusted Him. I felt like He was telling me that the plans I make, whether they be based on logic, emotions, desire, or anything else, are becoming idols in my life. I felt like He was saying I should be neither surprised nor disappointed when He intervenes and disrupts my plans because my sight is severely limited. It was like He was saying, “You don’t know what you need. You don’t know what you want. You do not know what will satisfy. You do not know your purpose. I do. So follow me, and know that wherever I lead you will be what you need and want, what will satisfy you and leave you feeling purposeful. Your plans and your paths will not lead you there unless you submit those plans and paths to Me every day, so that I may make them and not you.”
So often when things don’t work out according to my plans, I feel upset and hopeless. When relationships fall, I get scared. When opportunities close, I feel limited. When a desired blessing does not come my way, I question God’s goodness and provision. When my plans don’t pan out, I feel I have failed, and honestly, sometimes I feel like God has failed. Either that or He is simply dishing out some sort of punishment or suffering. But today I have been thinking about it in a totally different light, and it’s weird and, honestly, rather life-changing.
Nearly everyone in the scriptures that was called to follow Jesus was pulled from their plans and paths. This is because Jesus does not settle for simply aiding us in achieving our short-sighted goals and desires. When people truly follow Jesus, when they enter into a relationship with Him, He changes things, upsets their sense of direction, and asks for complete control. He asks them to trust Him and He promises to bless them if they do. Sometimes it is hard to trust God, and I imagine it must have been hard to trust Jesus from time to time. It’s hard to trust these guys because they always seem to ask that you let go of the things that make you feel secure and safe. Jesus asked people to leave their homes, their families, their lifestyles, their riches, their jobs, etc. Jesus asked people to let go of control and plans and security and the things they thought they were sure of. And that’s scary. But, you know, Jesus did not ask this just to be mean or difficult. Jesus asked this (demanded this) because He knew there was something better that the people around Him could not yet see. He knew that if they followed their plans and stuck to the things they were “sure of,” they would miss something great. And I think the same is true for us today. I think it’s true for me today. God “messing up” my plans is not a punishment… It is a loving intervention, a blessing greater than I could ever imagine. Because He knows more than I do, even about myself and the things that will satisfy me.
I think one of the greatest purposes of Satan is to generate in Believers a feeling of distrust in God’s leadership. I think Satan loves making us feel confident and secure in our plans so that we will be more likely to trust our own set out plans than the mysterious and often “illogical” leadership of God. When we cling to our plans more than we cling to the goodness and lovingness and God and the sureness of His perfect plan, we miss things God has for us. We miss them because we are afraid and because we want to be in control.
I think this bring up a very important difference between a person who believes in Christian theology and a person who is in a living relationship with God. You cannot trust God if you don’t know Him, because if you’re just accepting theology, you don’t know God’s goodness, wisdom, love, etc. You can’t trust Him to get you somewhere better than you can get yourself unless there is a relationship in which you are constantly being reminded and further convinced of His ability to satisfy your soul and lead you into a life of perfect purpose and joy. It’s not enough to believe in God and His character. In order to really get it, you have to allow yourself to fall in love with God and with Jesus. It is in doing this that a)your plans will be greatly shaken, and b) you will find a life richer than anything you could ever imagine.
Proverbs 19:21 — “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”
Provers 16:9 — “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.”
Proverbs 3:6 — “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.”
